Wow. It's been forever since I last posted. A lot has changed in the past year. After I did that no contact challenge and thought I did good I had one bad day and on top of that there was a big wind storm that knocked out the power across the entire state of Ohio. At the time I was living with my mom and we had well water which wasn't working cuz of the electric. I could have called anyone to help but the person I contacted was my ex. We ended up getting back together.

Things started out good but a month later problems sprang up again. Christmas was terrible with him. We had a good trip to NYC for new years. Then in January I got this sinking feeling like I was unhappy. We had an on off relationship from february thru June. I was dumb to stay so long. I thought I was still in love but it turned out that I was attached and afraid to leave because I was afraid I'd have to go through the process of letting him go. However, I finally got the courage to do what I know was best and leave.

Funny thing is that I was prepared to be single but there was a guy that I met at the end of April that told my mom's friend that he liked me. Then my mom told me about him and he started hanging around my family. He liked me but knew I had a bf at the time so he respected that and we were friends. After I broke up with my ex, he wanted to go out with me. I decided to give him a chance because during all my other break ups I would meet people and end up just liking them as friends. This time I knew the break up with my ex would be my last and I knew thatthis new guy was really nice and I kinda liked him.

Now my and that new guy... I'll refer to him as N on here. N and I have been together a little over 5 months. We've been living together since October. Things started out amazing but now we've been struging a bit. We almost broke up. I'm not sure what the future will bring but we do both love each other and I think we are both deticated to making things work. Right now things are stressful because we have a lot on our plate financially. I'm supposed to be getting a new job soon. He's currently looking for a real full time job but for now doing odd jobs and working dome long hours with his friend. Plus, I got school and we have a relationship class and groups we attend weekly at church. All of this while sharing the one van my mom gave me.

Trying to save for a car eventually since my car died in April. It's hard to save though because I don't have any extra money. I'm just leaving it all in God's hands.

N and I have a lot to work on together. Lately there has been an issue with verbal abuse so I'm looking into info on that to see what we need to do to prevent that. That ofcourse had brought in some power struggles. Hopefully we will get back on the right path and be happier and treat each other with more respect like we did in the beginning. We just gotta keep the relationship alive by making light of things each day.

School has been going alright. I started out the quarter good and have lost dome motivation here towards the end but that's because the quarter is almost over. If everything goes according to plan and if I can afford spring quarter i should be able to graduate my 2 year by the end of next fall. I've finally reached a clearer idea of what I want to do. I'm just getting my 2 year in liberal arts. 4 year probably psychology. Then I want to get my masters in whatever the degree is called that is required to be a marriage and family counselor.

I love learning about relationships especially about couple but right now I get the sense that I should be working with kids for now. I think God wants me working with them because I got hired for this daycare job that is opening at the end of the month and I was hired right on the interview. I'm going to volunteer for the kids small group ministry at my church as soon as can quit this boring weekend job too. Another reason to work with kids beside the fact that they're adorable and fun to teach is that everytime I'm around kids I get that weird motherly instinct thing. I want a kid of my own but right now isn't the best time and I have to be patient do there is no reason why I can't enjoy being around other kids and the practice.

I'm also very excited that the holiday season is coming. Mmm thanksgiving dinner! Ha. I love celebrating and being with my family and friends. My grandparents are coming to visit which should be nice. Haven't seen them in a couple years!

Church has been awesome too. I really miss going to the services since my job gets in the way of that but hopefully not much longer. However, I've been going to our 20's group weekly. I always look forward to it. Being around such awesome people and learning more and more about God and the bible.

I updated a lot and still I missed a bunch of info and updates but I'm sure I'll get to them in the future.

I'm all the way at Day 24 of my no contact challenge. I've been doing pretty great with that actually. I still have that "I miss him" feeling a lot though but I'm really learning a lot out of this challenge so it's great. I've kept track of the days and posted more on the message board for this so I guess it's not really necassary that I have to post the days everywhere since I'm sure I can always find a place to look back at the days if I wanted to.

Anywho, what have I been up to? Lots of lazyness... It's pretty much the end of summer for me so I've spent most of my time just hanging around my house, online, listening to music, and watching movies. I ended up going on like 3 "sort of" dates this past week. I have no interest in entering any relationship at the moment. Just want to make new friends and get to know people. I'm really hoping that each of these guys will understand that. I told them I want to get to know them as friends and all but I still have this nagging feeling that they might want more then that and I'm not sure if I'll ever want to be more then friends with any of them. Who knows, maybe once I got to know them I'd have a better idea of that but I have to be fully moved on from my last relationship and have to love myself in order to even think about loving someone else in that way.

My first day of fall quarter starts on Monday... thank goodness! I'm going full time. So what I really want to focus on right now in my life is school. Not boys. I'm really concentrated on getting a 2 year degree so especially this quarter... I don't need any drama or distractions.

I really hate my job here on the weekends because it's so boring but I'll probably stick with it for the money to pay bills. I'll be working a few hours in the mornings as a student worker at school as well. Depending on how things go I'm thinking of FINALLY applying to a movie theatre in my area. I love movies so much so it would only make sense to work at a movie theatre. Plus, my major is marketing and I do want to get a job promoting films one day so heck, working at a movie theatre wouldn't do any harm. Heh. The only thing about this, if I applied and got the job, that would mean I'd be working 3 part time jobs and going to school full time. That would be a big load. Would I have time for family and friends? I don't want to get sucked up in a life where I'm constantly throwing myself into work but at the same time I'm very excited about school for once AND I'd totally love the movie job. So... we'll see.

So earlier today this guy online posts up lyrics to a song by the band Scouting For Girls. I look them up on youtube and instantly fall in love with them. LOL. They sing a lot of "break up" type songs yet the reason I like them is because they are also pretty poppy and upbeat. So instead of making me said they actually made me smile quite a bit. Hmm... my favorite song by them so far isn't embeddable so I'll just embed this other one I like.

They're from london... haha. I love the singer's accent. So awesome!

I also noticed something today. My fear for bees is much more intense then my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. How do I know this? A bee got stuck inside the booth that I work in and for a while it just stayed at the window trying to find a way out but then it started to get nosey and fly around my keys and my laptop and it was scaring the crap out of me. Seriously, I've had extremely traumatizing experiences with bees growing up. I wasn't sure how I was going to get the bee out and I was way too scared to try and kill it thinking it would get mad or scared and sting me. Then a miracle happened and one of the Fed Ex workers came by to switch his car with his truck that he left in the parking lot. He knows me so he usually spots by to say hello to me when he goes home Saturday mornings. So since I'm here alone he just decided to stop in and say hi. I told him about the bee and he grabbed his shoe and killed it instantly. Haha... makes me realize how pathetic my fear is but I think I'll always be afraid of them. It's like I get an uncontrollable rush of fear any time a bee comes near me.

Thinking about it later I thought of all my fears with my break up and him probably moving on and me always being stuck feeling like this and being alone and never falling in love with anyone else. Then I realize how stupid that was and how before I dated my ex I used to always joke about how I'd be the 70 year old cat lady who watches old episodes of the Price Is Right. I was kind of half joking... cuz seriously, Bob Barker rocks. At that time I was 19 and had never had a real boyfriend in my life so I seriously thought if I got a boyfriend it would be a miracle. Then after being in a relationship for about a year I got so used to being in a relationship I forgot that I wasn't that bad off being single either. I wasn't necassarily the happiest but I was content with my life. So no matter if I'm single or in a relationship I am always going to be okay.

Heh. Sorry for the silly joke there. I'm still working... I hate my job so much. Too boring. I would much rather be doing something instead of sitting in a lame booth all day for 12 hours 2 days a week.

Later in the morning I felt really sick to my stomach and was hoping I didn't throw up. Luckily I didn't but I always fear that I'm going to because the past 6 months or so I will get a migraine like once or twice month. I never had problems with migraines before and I can't figure out what it is. The sick feeling went away a bit and I've been distracting myself with the internet all day so I don't get sick but I have a slight headache that isn't going away and I think I have a small fever but can't really tell. All I want to do is sleep. =(

On the brightside... I discovered some great videos to some songs I love. Now I just hope the next 4 hours and 45 minutes go by quickly.

What the...? I'm already just about a 1/3 of the way through. WOW! Hopefully the other 2/3's get easier.

Last night I ended up not going to the club but I went to the movies and stake'n'shake with that guy. I still don't like him any more then a friend and I feel terrible because he thought it was a date and paid for everything. I'll just really have to stress the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship and just want to be his friend. I still feel bad though because he thinks otherwise but I guess that is also something I cannot control.

Before I went to sleep last night I once again missed being held by my ex but I was so tired that I feel asleep easily. I was so I had some really crazy dreams last night. LOL. They were sex dreams and they were the rare kind that didn't involve my ex. Haha.

I'm really just starting my day so there isn't much to write about. I'm feeling okay. Now I just gotta figure out what I'm going to do today.